Love Repentance: How I Found My True Love Language!

God has a wonderful way of showing us his magnificent way of loving us unconditionally.  His grace for us all is great example.

John 3:16 CEV, “God loved the people of this world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who has faith in him will have eternal life and never really die.”

For an individual who was once broken, I could not accept his unconditional love because of the insecurity that once disfigured my soul. God is Love. Love is Life, and Life is God.  I use to have a hard time with accepting love from anyone,but my family!  The main reason was because I was told as a child by my mother that no one would love me like she does. I believe it with every part of me.

   Part of that was true and it was also her way of making sure that I wouldn’t go too far without her, which also reveals the insecurity that was embedded in our family. The insecurity that the women in my family felt represented that we needed to put in work in order to receive love. 

  That conscience thinking allowed me to be overworked and less appreciated in relationships. We always felt that we were doing more work than the spouse, which left us feeling unappreciated. The spouse felt we were not doing the work because either of our love languages were being answered too. So, I come from a line of single women in my family.

   The women in my family lead alone in my black community, we don’t believe that we are adequate enough to receive love because we been hurt and unappreciated by many. We always had to prove our worth and love in society, and in many cases we still do today. The insecurity that many women in my family were subjected too caused us to believe that we needed to serve our love ones for true love. The true yearning we were really having was serving God not just people with no purpose. 

  If we were not serving than that meant that person didn’t love us enough. The world teaches us that you must work for what you want in life, which holds some truth. That way of thinking only allows a love relationship to function in one direction. 

     Love is supposed to be a reciprocated relationship. When we are inadequate within ourselves there is little room to accept being in any reciprocated relationship especially God. We either do more work or we do less work to compensate for the lack of love we were given. 

    God revealed to me that his love has no limits or boundaries. When Love does have limits and boundaries than it is considered to be conditioned love. God’s Love is unmeasurable and undeniable once you allow yourself to accept it! I promise it’s the best feeling ever! 

    While, on the journey of accepting and expressing unconditional love in my intimate relationships. I was pointed to Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Language Quiz. My best friend and I decided to take the quiz to figure out what our top love languages were.

   I  began to understand that a personality quiz can sometimes be subjective in a way where we will discover only what we are ready to receive about ourselves at that moment.

In John 9:25 (NIV) when Jesus healed the blind man, The blind man reponsed, “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!”

I felt I was that blind man, where I was unable to see for years what God was trying to reveal to me. 

    For those who are not aware of Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages. Gary is an author, who decided to help others unfold the hidden issues that many love relationships face. Many are not aware of their love language, which communicates to one another the way each need to be loved.

The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. When my best friend and I finished the quiz; we discovered that my best friend’s results were quality time, acts of services, words affirmation, physical touch, and receiving gifts. When I completed my quiz my results were acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. 

   It was not that I was comparing and contrasting my results to my best friends, but it was a bit alarming to me that my number one love language was acts of service. I had to ask myself did I really enjoy acts of service more than physical touch and words of affirmation? It meant it was time for some soul searching to understand why I felt so connected to that specific love language. 

God revealed 1 Corinthians 13:5  (NIV) to me about love that states, “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”  

  This scripture spoke to me because me not receiving my “supposed” love language would result in me feeling used and taken advantage of, which was much like the reaction my parents would give me when I didn’t want to partake in acts of services for them. 

     I had to ask myself why would I feel used if my need for act of service was not self seeking? When it was not achieved than I would become easily angered and began to keep records of wrongdoing of others that did not do for me what I thought needed to be done.

  I had to do what I call love repentance, which was I had to re-elevate my new definition of love. I discovered my true love languages is words of affirmation and physical touch. 

   The interesting thing is I had room to give to others my true love language to strangers and immediate family, but I did not have enough room to serve myself and my spouse with my true love language. We were the ones that needed it the most. I was more concern about how the world would view me, which revealed to me that my priorities were not in alignment with God’s. That also explained why I felt imbalanced overall.

  I also began to discover that I lost hope on my true love language because it wasn’t reciprocated back to me most of the times with genuineness. Immaturely thinking I stopped. I adapted more to my acts of services much like the women in my family. 

   I learned at an early age to reframe from it, so I would not feel much rejection. I love what I call “ Grandparent hugs”, which are tight and genuine hugs. It makes me feel safe and secure, which is much like the love I receive from God and Christ. 

God’s Love is a love that should be filled within that allows you to become more discipline, self-aware, self-controlled, hopeful, and show more compassion towards self and others. While, I may not have seen the correct way to love or response with love when trouble occurs.

   I am aware of God’s grace, which allow me to repent from my mistakes in the name of love. So, that when love comes around again, it will be done the righteous way. I love the concept of God’s love, and while I may not have gotten it right in the past. I thank God for allowing me to do it again with his grace. Next, I will be able to serve myself and my spouse with God’s love not the right way but the righteous way. The righteous way is much liberating. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)  reveals the righteous way of loving anyone, 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In the words of Maya Angelou, ”

I would like to have your arms around me I would like to have your voice in my ear but thats not possible now, I love you so go. love liberates it doesn’t hold. thats ego. love liberates.”

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